Written by: Javier Grillo-Marxuach
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
[Scene: Manor. Solarium. Piper’s putting baby things in a basket. Prue comes in.]
Prue: Piper, have you seen slides anywhere?
Piper: By the TV.
Prue: Thank God. I thought that I lost them. Jack would’ve killed me.
(She gets the slides off the TV.)
Piper: Jack?
Prue: The boss is sending two employees with the best presentation to New York for a conference, all expenses paid and Jack and I are hoping he picks us.
Piper: Are you gonna sleep with him?
Prue: Piper, it is just a business trip, that is all. Who’s the present for?
Piper: Lisa Kreegers baby shower.
Prue: I forgot.
Piper: I know. So did Phoebe. But I’m making it from all of us.
Prue: What’s all in here?
Piper: Stuff, and I just knitted her a little baby blanket, that’s all.
Prue: You knit? I didn’t know that you knit.
Piper: Yeah, and I even had some extra yarn left over and I made her a little bear to match. Kinda cute, huh?
(Piper holds up a cute little blue bear.)
Prue: Oh, hi, ooh, he’s adorable. (She takes the bear off Piper.) I guess this is really good practice for you, huh?
Piper: What are you talking about?
Prue: You, Dan, little Dan.
Piper: Whoa, slow down. Dan is the one that has our relationship on the fast track, not me. But don’t get me wrong, he’s great, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to move in with him or anything else of that nature.
Prue: (Sarcastically) You know, I just hate guys who aren’t afraid to commit, they are so atypical.
Piper: It’s not funny, Prue, it’s a problem.
Prue: Piper, I don’t really see what the problem is. I mean, you and Dan are great together and you think that you love him, right?
Piper: I think so, it’s just every time I feel I’m ready to commit to him, I flash back to our little trip to the future and seeing me with Leo and…
Prue: Piper, Dan is here now in the present. That’s all that matters.
Piper: I know, I know. But I’m not ready for a baby shower either.
[Scene: Police station. A policeman brings in a baby. Phoebe is there talking to Morris.]
Phoebe: Come on, Morris, open your mind. This could so work.
Morris: Look, Phoebe, it’s not that I don’t appreciate your offer, it’s just my stock in this precinct is not exactly blue chip. The last thing I need is for word to get out that I’m using psychic to solve my cases.
Phoebe: So no one needs to know. You just give me the evidence, I touch it and if I get a flash then we’re in business. (She picks up a butter knife and pretends to have a premonition.) Oh my God. I see blood, flesh. You had the sausage for breakfast didn’t you?
Morris: I hate sausage.
Phoebe: Little joke.
Morris: (to the other cops who are watching) Alright, people, moving along.
(Phoebe sees the baby. It’s crying and three policemen are jiggling things above it.)
Phoebe: Who would bring a baby to a police station?
Morris: It was abandoned. Now, look, Phoebe…
Phoebe: Abandoned? That’s awful.
Morris: That’s what they call a crime. Now, Phoebe…
Phoebe: You know, they’re really scaring him waving that rattle in this face like that. (She walks over to them.) Excuse me, officers.
(She takes the rattle off an officer and sits down in front of the baby.)
Morris: Thanks, we got it from here. (They walk away.)
Phoebe: It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay. (The baby stops crying. She notices "Matthew" embroidered on the blanket.) There you go, you’re okay. (to Morris) See, I told you I could help you. All babies need is love. (She takes him out of his capsule and holds him.) Oh, yeah. Big boy, huh? (Phoebe has a premonition of someone taking Matthew and then a ghost appears and zaps the guy.)
Morris: Phoebe, are you okay?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe, Piper and the baby are there. Piper’s holding Matthew.]
Phoebe: So I can’t figure out if the premonition was the future or the past. If it was the past, it would make sense that they would abandon him to try to save him.
Piper: Uh, you know, I’m not really good with these things.
Phoebe: They’re called babies. Just do the rocking walk. He loves the rocking walk.
Piper: Are you sure it was a ghost?
Phoebe: Yeah, I think I know ghosts by now. I just can’t figure out why a mean ghost would want to hurt that cute little baby.
Piper: And how did you talk Darryl into letting you take him home?
Phoebe: I just told him about the premonition. The only problem is, he said we have twenty-four hours before Social Services start asking questions.
Piper: So what are we supposed to do with him now? Raise him in the ways of witchcraft? Teach him how to fight ghosts? (Matthew starts crying.) Okay, maybe you should take him. (She gives Matthew to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: That’s a good baby. A very good little baby. Okay.
(She puts Matthew in his baby capsule.)
Piper: Wow, you really are a natural at this.
Phoebe: Yeah, I can’t wait to have a baby of my own some day.
Piper: I’m beginning to think Dan fell in love with the wrong sister. (Phoebe looks at her.) Nothing. Never mind. (Piper picks up the bear she made and waves it in front of him.) Hi, sweetie, do you like bears? (Matthew throws up on the bear.)
Phoebe: Yeah, he doesn’t like things being waved in his face.
Piper: Obviously.
(Piper gets a towel and starts wiping Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Well, let’s do him.
(The front door opens and Prue walks in.)
Prue: This better be good because my New York trip is at stake.
Phoebe/Piper: Shh!
(Prue notices Matthew.)
Prue: We have a baby?
Piper: Phoebe picked it up at the police station.
Prue: Okay, I-I-I thought that you were going to ask about a job, not a kid.
Phoebe: I was and I was trying and then this abandoned baby came in.
Prue: Abandoned?
Phoebe: Yes.
Prue: In an Eddie Bauer car seat and a blanket lined in silk?
Piper: You guys, I think he’s finally falling asleep.
Prue: Okay, I don’t get it. If the parents could afford such expensive stuff, then how come they couldn’t keep the kid?
Phoebe: I don’t think that’s why he was abandoned.
Piper: Oh no. (Matthew starts making noises.) He’s like a car alarm. Any sudden vibration just sets him off and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
Phoebe: She’s got baby issues.
Prue: Mmm, I know.
Piper: Look, Phoebe had a vision of ghost chasing the baby.
Phoebe: And a man carrying the baby. Probably his father. Darryl said I could drop by at lunch and he could get a sketch artist to help me ID him.
Prue: Good, because the only way to find out why the ghost is after the baby by finding out who he belongs to.
Phoebe: I gotta go.
Piper: What?
Prue: Yeah, I gotta get back to work. Just keep me posted.
(Prue and Phoebe grab their coats and bags.)
Piper: Whoa, whoa, wait. You can’t leave me here alone with him.
Phoebe: Piper, you’re gonna be fine. Don’t be afraid.
Prue: Yeah, just think of it as a test run.
Piper: I don’t need a test run. I remember when Phoebe was a baby and it was hard on mum and endless and with you dropping her all the time.
Phoebe: What?
Prue: Oh, moving on, what’s the point?
Piper: The point is we need things like diapers and bottles and formulas and a million other things.
Prue: I’ll go shopping.
Phoebe: And I’m gonna go see Morris. You’re gonna be fine okay. Just do the rocking walk. Okay? You’re gonna be fine.
(Prue and Phoebe leave.)
[Scene: In a baby store. Prue has a trolley full of baby stuff. She pushes it down a diaper aisle.]
Prue: Right. (She can’t reach them as they’re on the top shelf. She looks around to make sure no one is around. She uses her power and two packets of diapers fly off the shelf and she catches them. You see Jack and a kid riding a scooter around the store. Jack sees Prue.)
Jack: Prue.
Prue: Jack. Hey, what are you doing here?
Jack: Getting my ass kicked by a five year old. Hey, you little rugrat, best two out of three. Come on.
Prue: So, um, how’d you find me?
Jack: Your assistant told me. But what she didn’t tell me is what the hell are you doing here?
Prue: Oh, just a little bit of a family emergency.
Jack: And you needed diapers?
Prue: Yeah, they’re for my cousin. My baby cousin. Matthew. Just staying with us for a day or so.
Jack: And you’d by coming back to work when?
Prue: Right after I drop this stuff off and believe me, there’ll be no more interruptions after today.
Jack: Good. For a second there I thought maybe you’d changed your mind about going to New York.
Prue: Okay, wait a second. Who has been working late for the past three nights to get our presentation done?
Jack: Yeah, well, that’s before I thought we had a chance to win. So when you disappeared, I figured maybe you had second thoughts.
Prue: No, I want to go to New York. And believe me, I would much rather be at work right now then trying to figure out whether to get aloe lined or-or-or velcro tabbed or elastic leg cuff thingy diapers. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about diapers would?
Jack: Me? Noo. That would involve knowing something about babies which I know absolutely zero about. But what I do know something about is the Big Apple. Specifically romantic restaurants, hip clubs, secret getaways. Presentation’s today at three. Plane leaves tomorrow at nine. I gotta kid to catch.
(He gets back on the scooter and rides away.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper’s sitting on a stool watching Dan with the baby.]
Dan: This is called the jiggle. It gives the babies a nice warm moving around in the womb feeling.
Piper: You are absolutely amazing. I tried everything and nothing worked.
Dan: Well, it helps to come from a big family. Once you’ve mastered the jiggle, you’ll be able to do the wave. You wanna give it a try?
Piper: No, let’s not mess with a good thing.
(Piper watches Dan doing the sway on Matthew.)